Eric got rather upset with me when we first arrived at the opening reception. "Well," he said, "we're here. Go mingle!" I hung back; there were familiar faces, sure, but...well, would my face be familiar to anybody? I tried plunging in, and immediately my most embarrassing worry was realized:

"Um, hi, Dana? Hi, I'm Carrie. Of Earthmovers and Sandcastles?"
(Frightened smile) "Um, okay. Hello?"

Still, my spirits were lifted a few minutes later when I heard Renee's voice a few minutes later yelling "Congratulations!" and saw Dreama coming over to give me a hug. I almost, almost, began to feel more at ease, though I was ever so happy that I had brought Eric along for the ride.

I ended up spending time with several journalers with whom I've never actually spoken or emailed before - heck, some of whom I hadn't actually read - but who I definitely intend to maintain contact. Mary was nothing like I anticipated, though I'm not sure exactly what I had in mind; she was quieter, certainly, and sweeter. Wes and Corina sat across from Eric and I for lunch one day, and Eric is still talking about how much fun he had talking with "the lawyer guy." Amy was awesome, though I had to apologize repeatedly after I ended up making her cry on the last afternoon when I read "Letter." Finally, although I feel awful admitting it, I'd never even heard of Kerry before Friday, but she turned out to be a super gal, and I hope to become a regular reader of hers.

And I'm tired. I managed to repeatedly redden my face by having to jump up and run out of the sessions on Saturday to lean over a toilet bowl (haven't puked yet, but I feel that I'm swiftly nearing the end of that particular tunnel). People kept asking me whether I was feeling all right, which both comforted me and made me feel even more embarrassed. I will be more relieved than I've ever felt in my life when I finally hit the end of this first trimester and start feeling more energized and less nauseated. Oh, that JournalCon could have been in December!

Oh, I almost forgot: the most surreal moment of JournalCon. Friday night, I found myself too tired to do anything after we finished dinner around nine o'clock, so we found ourselves walking back to the hotel in the company of Diane, Darin, and the adorable Sophia. Talk turned to babies, naturally, and I suddenly heard Eric and Darin begin to discuss their sperm analyses...

I rushed to the bathroom and, thankfully, found that I was not bleeding at all, but it took about half an hour for my heart to stop trying to jump out of my chest from the center of my rib cage. All of my fears, the ones I'd been pretty much able to put aside for the past couple of weeks, came rushing back to me: am I going to be able to carry this baby? Is this pregnancy going to last? With such a high percentage of pregnancies that end in miscarriage, how can I be confident about mine?

I went back to bed and lay there, staring at the ceiling and trying to calm my breathing. Eric was still sound asleep, unaware of my anxiety; even had he been awake, I'm not certain he would have understood. This is my body that I have to trust not to turn traitor on me, and it has a bad track record of disobeying me in other matters. Now that it really, really matters, it's no surprise that I have trouble believing that I can do this.

I looked in my herbals, trying to see what sorts of things can help a woman maintain a pregnancy. Some of the remedies look quite complicated; I'm not sure if I'll actually do any of them at this point, but the temptation is there to prepare a few doses for use in case of emergencies. I'm sure Eric will roll his eyes at me over this, but how else can I maintain my sanity?

I am deathly serious about this. How do I stop the nightmares? I can't do this for seven more weeks...

I sampled and tasted, happy as a child surrounded by the contents of her stocking on Christmas morning. I took small bites of the candies, searching for my favorites. It was the best chocolate I'd ever tasted, and it was nice and chilly from being in the fridge. When I woke up, I could still taste the flavors on my tongue.

When I walked into the staff lounge later this afternoon, I found that Boss-Zilla had brought back a box of chocolates from a trip she took last week. They were nowhere near as good as my dream chocolates, and I was quite sad.