Remember how I said I was just fine with the Bit staying put for now? Well, my feelings are changing, but I'm not yet sure how to describe them at the moment. I feel...well, confused. Let me recount last night and my appointment with Mary Ann, and perhaps things will become a little clearer - goodness knows I could use a bit of clarity at the moment.

We arrived at the office a wee bit early. I was a little nervous about the fact that Barb had asked me to have Mary Ann strip my membranes, but I still felt rather confident that Mary Ann would feel as hesitant as I did about intervening at this point. I had done some more research on the procedure, and I just didn't know how warranted it was at only one day past my official "due date." Plus, membrane stripping was said to potentially cause backaches, premature rupture of the amniotic sac before labor was ready to begin...I wasn't sure I was ready to face those ramifications.

What I was not prepared to hear was Mary Ann saying, "Yes, I talked with Barb. I think it could be a good idea."

Thus began a long discussion wherein I voiced my concerns and Mary Ann listened very sympathetically. She wasn't worried about my blood pressure as much as Barb and Joy, since I've never gotten into a "danger zone" and have never spilled any protein into my urine. The swelling in my feet is getting pretty bad, but it's certainly nothing over which to panic. The only concerns truly worthy of thought, for now, are a slight elevation of the top number of my blood pressure and the fact that this child is still growing; we did have a growth spurt before my last appointment, which had become pretty obvious to me when the Bit awakened me several times the previous night with severe hunger pangs.

Mary Ann listened, and then she spoke. She gently addressed my concerns; yes, rupturing my water was a concern, but she'd never before had it happen with any of her other women. Backaches were something she'd never witnessed without having them accompanied by contractions as well. Mary Ann appreciated the depth of my worries, which comforted me a bit, but when I finally asked her, point blank, whether she thought that this was a good idea, she honestly said that it was, at worst, not a bad one.

She took my blood pressure then. It was higher than it has been for the entire pregnancy. "Probably," she added, "as a direct result of this conversation."

I didn't know what to think. Eric had been avoiding the decision from the beginning, claiming that it was solely between me and the midwives. I wasn't about to accept that any longer; upon my demand for his thoughts, he fidgeted uncomfortably, then agreed with Mary Ann. I still didn't feel comfortable yet, so I decided to compromise; I agreed to an internal exam to see where we stood.

Eric held my hand. I had no idea what results I should have wanted to hear, so I just closed my eyes and prayed without direction. Mary Ann was quiet, then said, "You're very soft, but still pretty closed...I'd say about one centimeter." In fact, I was too far closed for the earlier discussion even to be an option; she wasn't able to open my cervix far enough to accomplish much of anything.

That's where we are now. She thought I probably had another week to go. She also manually checked the baby's size and, as accurately as can be done, she guessed that the baby is currently about eight and a half pounds. I left the office feeling oddly disappointed and depressed, which made no sense to me; after all, things turned out as well as I could have hoped. I didn't have my membranes swept. The baby is healthy. I have good reason to now be able to accept and enjoy these final days of my pregnancy without worry about people trying to rush the Bit and me. So why did I feel like crying?

And then I passed a woman holding a newborn baby, and the pang that struck my chest made things come into focus a bit. I love having this baby inside me, but I am so, so ready to have it in my arms now. I want to have my cake and eat it, too. Is that so much to ask?

My new replacement is an extremely nice young lady; she and I hit it off right away. Originally, we weren't going to be working together, but since I'm still pregnant...but I digress. Anyway, we've worked together for this whole week, and I really enjoy talking to her. She's also still in that "new employee" phase, where she's always looking for something to do or learn; Boss-Lady is preening like a milk-satisfied cat over her new employee. It's no secret that she's assuming that the New Girl will be replacing me "if" I decide not to return.

I have the inside scoop, though. The New Girl confided to me that she's already got a position with another library arranged for after this position ends. She's not telling Boss-Lady, either, until the very end of this position. Ha! And even if she were planning to stay, it wouldn't be for very long; she and her husband are planning to start trying for a baby next month. What a double whammy; I almost burst into laughter when she told me. We've been discussing baby stuff ever since - except, of course, when Boss-Lady comes around.

I have a sneaking suspicion that, when all's said and done, the woman who finally fills this position will be picked as much for her advanced age as for her qualifications.