Ten minutes ago:
We've just finished dinner, and Eric has gone upstairs to use the bathroom. Sam isn't sure he likes that development; he's missed Daddy all day, and he doesn't want him to go away again. He crawls across the room to the foot of the stairs. I keep my eye on him, but I'm surprised, since Sam has never before expressed an interest in the stairs. As I watch, he lifts one hand to explore the top of the first stair. He puts in back down and pauses a minute in thought. Then he lifts it to the stair again and follows it with his other hand.
We hear Eric whistling upstairs. Sam smiles and pushes himself up to standing, balancing on the stair. He wobbles crazily, as it is his first time pushing up on anything other than his parents' reclining bodies. After a moment of wild instability, he regains his balance. Eyes fixed upwards, he moves his hands to the second step.
I quietly move to stand behind him. He's not interested in me; the object of his desire is higher. He begins to lift one knee. The step is too high, and he teeters crazily in his efforts before completely losing his balance and falling backwards and to the right. I catch him and wait for him to complain. He doesn't. He lifts himself back onto his knees and begins to try again.
Sam's determination is enough to put me to shame. Lately I've been feeling so unmotivated and hard-pressed to care about much of anything. There are two days until the end of the month, and I am supremely behind on all of my work. I feel like a failure - not only for being behind, but for being unable to make this work like I thought I could. When I took these jobs, I assumed I would have no problem doing them. Realistically, I still believe that I shouldn't. Sam doesn't like giving me the time to work, it's true, but there are things we haven't tried. Where's the failure? In my determination, my desire.
What do I want?
I want to be supportive of my family, in as many ways as possible. I don't think I'm doing a very good job at any aspect of this. I'm becoming increasingly self-sufficient, and I do a darn fine job caring for Sam, but I need to be more of a rock for Eric. He worries so much about caring for this family, and I'd love to be able to take some of that weight off his shoulders.
I also want to always be accessible to Sam. I'm finding it very difficult to reconcile this goal with the financial part of the previous one. I need to work, but what do I do when I'm running behind on a deadline, but Sam is whining and pulling at my pants cuff? I pick up the baby, that's what I do. But what about that work? Is it in Sam's best interest to see his mother lose her job for being late with assignments?
I hate this! I'm better than this! These two goals are not incompatible!
I just don't have enough determination to make it work. I feel defective. Maybe I need to take a lesson from my son.
