I think it's a little bit her fault. Reading about the big decisions she and her husband are making regarding their lives has got me thinking about my own life. Of course, it also has a lot to do with the fact that my life is in such a state of upheaval right now, and I'm trying desperately to focus on the things that are important to me.

I'm so very sad to be ending my teaching now, just when I think I'm beginning to hit my stride. (We won't talk about the piano class of ever-diminishing attendance.) I'm really starting to enjoy myself, and the idea of stopping makes me quite sad indeed. At the same time, I'm beginning to explore just what it is that I'm enjoying about the teaching, and it's causing me to reexamine what it is that I'm doing.

I like to teach, but I want to teach students who are serious. Specifically, I want to teach serious music students. Even more specifically, I'd like to teach a serious subject to serious music students. I think I'd like to teach theory and analysis; I really did very well in all my analysis classes in grad school, and I especially enjoyed the upper-level analysis classes devoted to detailed exploration of specific works or groups of works. I don't know that I'd ever enjoy teaching composition as much as I would teaching music theory.

Herein lies the hitch. If I ever want to teach upper-level analysis, I need one thing that I'm lacking: that pesky doctorate. Truthfully, I always intended to get it. By the time I reached the end of my master's program, though, I was so burnt out that I was barely able to finish my thesis. Additionally, I was beginning to really want a child. A break seemed like a great idea. It was meant to be a break, even so, not a finish.

I told Eric all of this a few nights ago. He supports me in whatever I decide and suggested that I figure out a timeline and decide how I'd like to handle it. His career may eventually require him to get another degree as well, an MBA, so that will have to figure into the equation. I suggested that perhaps he might want to go first, as I'm not yet ready to start back full-time with Sam as young as he is. Part-time doesn't appeal to me; doing things slowly has always driven my a bit nuts.

And where? Obviously, the first place that jumps to mind is Northwestern; they have a darn fine music program, and they'd only be about forty-five minutes away. I'm not sure how doctoral programs work there, of course, and I don't know if I'd have to be there all day, every day. I do like the fact that they apparently offer both Ph. D.s and D.M.s (I'm going from a very cursory reading of their web material right now; I don't have many specifics yet). The University of Wisconsin at Madison also looks reasonable. (Edited to add: No, wait; they only have a master's program.)

Of course, as I said, I need to wait a few years to start this. Not only do I want Sam to be older, but I also need time to put together a more recent portfolio of my works. Yep, back in the composing saddle once more. After all, even if I do want to eventually teach theory, and even if I decide to get the doctorate in music theory instead of composition, they'll still want to see what I can do, and a large chunk of that is composition.

And then there's the question of whether or not we're planning on having another child. At this point, we're still in the "one child is good" camp, but no doors have been firmly closed yet. If I do have another, do I want to wait until after I'm done studying? I definitely wanted to wait until Sam was much older, anyway, perhaps about seven year old. That might line up well, actually; go to school when Sam's about five, then, if we choose to have another baby, go for it when I'm either almost done or just finished. Then I'll have a few years to recuperate while I look around for work.

Optimistic, much? But, then, you knew that about me already.

I've decided that I might just be a better person on caffeine than off it. Monday night, when trying to prep for Tuesday's class, I found myself in a coffee bar, ordering two espresso drinks, one after another. I felt more focused, more mentally attuned, and happier. When I got home, I had a long discussion with Eric about music topics, spinning away from my lecture material, and we eventually found ourselves discussing my eventual return to school. We hadn't talked like that in a long, long time; usually, evenings find me too exhausted to string even two words together.

I went to bed more at peace with myself and our relationship than I had in a while, and I woke up bright and early at 5:30, eager to begin my new regimen: I'm now going to the gym at six, working out for an hour, and returning before Eric has to leave for work. For some reason, I'm much more able to consider this notion after having had a nice caffeinated beverage the night before than I could without one.

It may not be healthy, but I think I need caffeine to be completely happy. Is that strange? I know I can give it up; I did for a long time. I was probably healthier for it, but I was sadder and more tired, long after the withdrawal period ended.

Anyway, I'm back on the stuff for now. If I begin to have more sleep problems, I'll reconsider, but for now, I'm continuing to sleep well as long as my intake doesn't fluctuate much.

Met with our listing realtor last night. She seems much more positive after having done a Comparative Market Analysis, and she thinks we'll be able to sell this house in a timely fashion. She's even already arranged for a quarter-page ad in the upcoming real estate magazine issue. She thinks we may even have people start calling for viewings as early as Monday.

This begs the question: what are we going to do if this place sells really quickly? I have to be here until the end of December, after all. What if the buyers want immediate occupancy as a condition of sale? Yikes.