I haven’t felt “good” for a few days now. Tired. Worn. Fragile. Anything that helps a little is so fleeting; running only works so long as I’m actively doing it, and by the time I’m out of the shower, I’m back to dreading the next sound I’ll hear, as it’s sure to be either some demand or else the sound of somebody being angry with somebody or something. I think if I was surrounded by cheerful people, I could probably muster up some of my own enthusiasm, at least in part, but since I’m not, we’ll never know.
Pardon me if I’m lacking my usual habit of finding the bright side in most everything.
So I finally had it tonight, and I told Eric I was bugging out for a while. I’m at Caribou Coffee, and I sort of hope I can make this escape last until everybody in the house is asleep for the night. Coming home to a dark and silent place sounds really good right now. I know better than to believe that’s what will happen, though.
I’ll regret posting this later, when the part of me that feels like I need to just suck it up and be the one who holds it all together kicks in. Whatever, though. Sometimes I’m weak, and I’ll confess that tonight, this week, this…everything…is getting the better of me at the moment. And of course, my gut reaction to it was to “self-medicate” with copious amounts of sugar, so now I’m dealing with the negative feelings of that, as well as the resultant crash, but I can’t blame that for it all. I was in the mud and muck before I reached for the jelly beans.
I need an honest laugh. Seems odd to have to search through one’s journal to remember the last time one had one.
I’m doing this race as my first 50K/ultra in July 2012. I’m so tardy to the party but...
****hugs**** we all have seasons like that. Sometimes they last unbelievably long. And sometimes it seems we do all we can and still wind up in that muck.
You won’t be there forever. But it does suck to be stuck in that up to your chest.
I think you make very good, wise choices– jellybeans notwithstanding
I don’t have any wise words of encouragement but wanted to let you know that I’ve been through periods like you’ve described. I hope things brighten for you soon!
I think we all have those moments…those moments when all we want to do is crawl into a dark closet and wait for the yougnest to turn 18 and GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! LOL I got into one of those funks a few months back. To stop myself from biting everyone’s head off, I sequestered myself to the one room the kids aren’t allowed in – ktichen – read a book, drank my coffee and loudly proclaiming to anyone that bothered me, “Mama’s in timeout. Go away.”. It actually works….for now….
Gotta have those “me” moments or you just go crazy.
**hugs**
Glad you were able to get an escape for a bit. Jellybeans and space (or similar) are oh-so-important in the world of parenting sometimes.
Carrie…you are REALLY doing a wonderful job of
wifing/mothering etc.You are NOT invinciple…just in
case you’re wondering. We all go thru times like this
so ups and downs are normal. You really are a
cheerful gal…so this too will pass. Hugs and
prayers…Joy