I can’t decide

Is it the height of egotism or the nadir of it when, thinking of the person you love best in the world and formulating all the reasons why, the current front-runner is that he continually believes the very best about you in times when you see nothing but the opposite in yourself?

Sometimes I can’t fathom why Eric wants to be around me, let alone love me, but he does, always. I’ve joked that there’s no accounting for tastes, but he pushes that aside as soon as it leaves my mouth. He found me lovely, and even sexy, when I was at my heaviest and most slug-like; he, the smartest man I’ve ever known, claims to feel humbled by the mind that I sometimes wish I could grab with two hands and shake until it yields me even the basics of what I want from it. He works so darn hard to support this family, and even last night was saying that he ought to start going in to work at 6:30 in the morning – an hour earlier than he has been – without a trace of annoyance or reluctance beyond the consideration of how it might affect my running plans.

Sure, he has his flaws, wrapped up in that pesky state of being human, but as far as humans go, I know I’m wedded to one of the better ones. More openly, I’m married to the best one for me. Am I the best one for him? That’s where my insecurities occasionally fall, when they do, but his words of reassurance, his gestures of love, and the admiration and sincerity in his eyes carry me past those moments. A few days ago, he told me to write him a book, as though it was the easiest thing in the world, and even while I giggled, he made it clear that he believed that for me, it would be just that simple.

I don’t know what’s got me so maudlin today. I’m not feeling all that well, with a sore throat and a neck that feels stiff and achy, so maybe my enforced idleness, so as not to disturb thing, has me a bit more contemplative than usual. Maybe it was just the extra hug I stole in the bathroom this morning. Maybe it’s anticipation of our date tomorrow night, or maybe it was just the glimpse of him I caught earlier, lying on our bed in the middle of getting ready, with the breeze and early sunlight from the window playing over his face and making a pretty picture for me to carry through the day. Who knows what’s pushing my brain in the direction it goes at any given moment? But here I am, on no day of any importance at all, and it feels like a celebration.