Catch-up

Valentine’s Day was awesome.

Eric did himself proud! I was in culinary heaven from beginning to end. Now I’m all sad, because he’s away for the week for work; after this, we’ll have him home for one week, and then he’ll go away again for yet another week. It’s easier to weather these trips now that the boys are a bit older and busier, as well as able to comprehend that a week is a finite thing, but…I miss him. I miss him so much. Even nights where I don’t see him, because he’s out past the time when the boys and I go to bed, I’ll stir in the dark and be happily aware of his presence. It’s hard not to have that.

Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday. I’m supposed to sing with the choir, but I’d thought to skip the service, since there’s no childcare and I don’t trust Gabe to sit in the sanctuary without me next to him. One of his Wednesday night teachers, however, offered to let him sit with her during the service, so I might be able to go after all. I’d like to; Ash Wednesday service has become rather special to me, since I first attended one while I was in college. My childhood church didn’t follow a liturgical calendar, so I’d never experienced it before, and certainly never had the imposition of ashes. When I first had that at the Episcopal church where Eric and I would eventually be married, it was such a powerful moment – a time when my own humble position in the world and relationship with God was made so perfectly clear that I nearly shook in the knees.

Sam is slowly working his way through all this, but Gabe…well, I tried to talk with him a little about it today, but it’s harder than it was with Sam at this age. He’s finally beginning to move a little out of his “I am the center of all things!” mindset, but there’s still much of that going on, and he doesn’t really want to think about sacrifice or reverence or any of that. On the other hand, trying to explain how Christ’s resurrection applies to him was a nearly complete failure. It necessarily involves mention of his own mortality, you see, so…”You’re making me SAD! You’re making me want to CRY! I don’t want to DIE!” And then it devolved into discussion about Grandma being in heaven, which is safer territory for him, I suppose: eternal life as something Other People will have the pleasure of experiencing.

I don’t even want to think about trying to explain the ashes to him tomorrow night. Man, do I wish Eric was here to help.