Seitan. According to Kevin on Top Chef, nobody likes it, and it’s the yuck. Of course, he also said that it was fermented pressed soybeans, so I’ll take that with a grain of salt. As of the beginning of drafting this entry, I was in the process of making my first batch of it, even though I think I was the only one in the family with a sense of optimism about it. Then again, I’m also the only vegetarian (about 98% at this point, anyway), so perhaps I’m the only one with a vested interest in making this palatable.
It’s basically wheat gluten, which has all the starch and whatnot washed away from it. (In other words, not a celiac-friendly food…but then, if you’re in a situation where that’s relevant, you probably already knew that. 
) In its finished state, it makes a credible “mock meat.” Theoretically, you know. I’d never even eaten it before, let alone made it from scratch. The ingredients for it couldn’t be more basic, though, so I was perfectly willing to give it a go. Whole wheat flour + water. What could be simpler? Many of my resources suggested I could do things more easily and quickly by starting with vital wheat gluten instead of whole wheat flour, but that seemed to defeat the purpose for me, since it would add cost and a grocery trip to the mix. We usually have whole wheat flour on hand, so if I could make this work the minimalist way, it would be best.
1:00 PM.
I took the flour and mixed it with some lukewarm water, and it obligingly made a ball of dough for me. So far, so good. The next step called for submerging it in water and letting it soak for two hours, so I added the water and went for a walk to get Gabe from school.
3:00 PM.
I was to begin kneading the dough under the water, periodically pouring off the water and adding fresh water. This was supposed to remove the starch and create the gluten. At first, I figured the KitchenAid mixer would be a good tool to use, but it quickly became apparent that it would be more trouble than it was worth to keep taking the bowl off the mixer to do the rinsing. Also? Ew. The more I kneaded, the grosser the whole thing got. It almost seemed to turn into a non-Newtonian fluid, firm when I squeezed it and soggy when I stopped.
This was when I got on Twitter and begged for help.
After kneading longer, the proto-seitan turned into Silly Putty, and I was convinced that I was creating an Epic Fail for dinner. Eric called and poked fun at my experiment; I told him he definitely needed to be home in time to help me create a fast replacement dinner in case this one was unsalvageable.
4:45 PM.
Pressing onward, I formed my Seitan Putty (which, upon testing, could almost bounce when dropped into the bowl; do not taunt Happy Fun Ball…) into a loaf and sliced it. I got a pot of water boiling, into which I put some vegetarian bouillon cubes, soy sauce, and ginger. Into the water went the slices, for about thirty minutes. What came out was actually sort of meat-like. I felt surges of optimism, mixed with threads of “well, now what?”
5:30 PM.
Enter Eric. He came home, expressing extreme skepticism about the seitan, but agreeing to help turn it into something yummy if it were at all possible. The thing about seitan is that you can use it in almost any place you might use meat, so he decided to sub it in for beef in one of his tried and true recipes: enchiladas. He diced it up, sauteed it with garlic and other seasonings, and wrapped it in some tortillas with his homemade sauce.
Oh. My.
Honestly, other than being slightly more chewy than beef (a finer dice would have disguised that completely), it was almost indistinguishable from meat! And the seasonings worked perfectly, and…just delicious. Even my very skeptical husband had to declare it a culinary success. I can’t wait to have the leftovers for lunch, and this is definitely something I plan to work into a regular rotation. If I can get that fine mince worked out – I’ve heard some folks use a grater! – Sam might even accept it for tacos and other ground beef uses. (He didn’t eat it last night due to the enchilada sauce, which he tasted and turned down flatly.)
So. Kevin? You’re wrong. 
Seitan is not “the yuck.” (And it’s not soybeans, either.) Cheap, easy, tasty. And isn’t that just the perfect combination?
I’ve never tried seitan but now I’m very curious!
At some point if you have time and don’t know what to write I’d love to hear your thoughts on eating vegetarian while still cooking for a meat-eating family. I’ve always been curious about how that works, though I imagine it’s a bit easier when eating vegetarian food is more for health and taste reasons than for full-blown PETA reasons.
I like seitan, too, but we’ve never tried to make it ourselves.
“Fermented pressed soybeans,” for the record, are actually Tempeh, which I also love. Not many people know how to make it properly, though. (We slice it thin, fry it on medium heat with olive oil, then coat it in some sort of sauce to soak up (barbecue sauce makes for a delicious BBQ sandwich, with coleslaw.)
I like tempeh, too – even raw.
On the flipside of how I wanted to do seitan from scratch, though, I actually really like the pre-flavored tempeh – the Turtle Island Coconut Curry marinated flavor is delicious!
I ate seitan and tempeh both quite frequently when I was a vegetarian. I like them both. I’ve never tried to make seitan, but I think I might give it a shot. The carnivore in the house would likely try it, but I know I like it.
Ooh. I’ve not ever seen pre-flavored tempeh, just tempeh with other things mixed in, like veggies or other grains. That does sound really good.
Fermented soybeans are on my list of foods I cannot eat. I’m not a very picky eater and I’ll eat almost anything but never again on the fermented soybeans. I know Japanese people love them but I can’t get over that rotten dead smell. Heh.
Congratulations on your seitan success!
We called it “meat of wheat,” in college, and I remember thinking it was squeaky.
We tried this and made it into sausage>! We were super impressed too!