When a good friend was dying a few years ago she lamented to me that her family could not/would not listen when she tried to talk to them about practical matters concerning her death. As hard as it is, I think it is part of the process. Even if you are just listening through tears, as I often did, you are not dismissing her thoughts and feelings. You are saying this makes me sad beyond belief but also that you love her enough to "go there" with her. I'd say buy a black dress with beautiful red flowers, something appropriate but also beautiful and enjoy having it and wearing it and sharing it with her. it will make her happy and it will be a part of her for you to hold on to when/if you need it for her funeral. Nothing about this is easy. ((((hugs))))

Dear Eric (and family)-- I lost my dad to this. I can only say that sometimes he did and said things that were his way of "planning"- finishing up loose ends. Sometimes it was not easy to let him do that. I did not want to hear him talk about "when he wasnt here" or to learn about things he had taken care of but it was, in a sense, my gift to him--to allow him the dignity of this little bit of control in an event he had no control over. I reacted as I felt. If it upset me, I cried and told him how muh I loved him and would miss him. But no siree, it was not easy. I always try to keep a liitle thought in my head --If God brings you to it, He will help you through it. Prayers to you all.

Eric, I'm really, really sorry. I had this view of treatment as either purely paliative or as curative in some way (even with a limited chance of success). Everybody deals with this in their own way.

When it comes to the clothes, I think it depends on how it makes your mother feel. If she wants to buy a suit, and she sees it as constructive or positive, letting her do it with cheer (fake cheer, anyway) seems like the way to go. If she's offering in a resigned way, and seems upset about it, the suit and the money probably aren't as important as the underlying fear.

When my father was dying, I had no idea what to say to him, what to do for him or what to do with myself. Sometimes things seem clearer from a remove. However you react, whatever you say or do, it's right. If you're trying to comfort someone, there's little you can do or say that won't make things better because it's impossible to make it worse. At least in my own experience.

Rebecca - the treatment is focused on prolonging life, at this point. It's stage IV. No one goes into remission from stage IV non-small cell lung cancer.

From lungcancer.org:

"Current treatment methods for Stage IV NSCLC are not curative but are intended to extend life and palliate symptoms. "

We lost my MIL this past February. Her death was unexpected, yet we knew three days before she died that she was definitely dying. Some might say that knowing it is coming (like in your case) ahead of time makes it easier but I say those people are idiots. This isnt the sort of thing you "get used to" the idea of. I dont have any wise advice. I just wanted to say Im sorry and I am praying for your family.

Rebecca's advice is wonderful. I send many cyber-hugs and lots of love to you every day, Carrie.

That makes me so sad. I hope you know I'm thinking of you guys a lot these days.

*hugs to you all*

I have no advice for this except to tell you to call the Hospice of Northwest Ohio. They'll know exactly how to respond to gifts intended to be worn to "my funeral."

Your MIL's care is focused on treatment. It isn't palliative care. Her odds aren't great, but her doctors are still focused on treating the illness, which implies some chance (even a very remote one) of recovery or remission. I might bring that up if she offers funeral clothes money. I'd say something positive about treatment and add that I would hope not to need funeral things for a long time. Maybe that's what she'd like to hear. It's hard to know.

Brother in Law lives near her, though, and should be apprised of this. His proximity makes it easier for him to visit and give hugs and support on a daily basis (or immediately after Mom mentions her funeral, anyway).

You're all in my thoughts. I hope it isn't any more crushing than it already is.