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03/09/2002 Entry: "Averted"

God, the Universe, and plain old good luck is watching out for me. A few hours ago, I was sitting on the floor, watching Sam play with his toys, and feeling horribly depressed - even a little crazy. Eric's at work today, and I was only a few thoughts away from picking up his sample bottle of Wellbutrin (which the doctor says he now doesn't need) and popping a few. Honestly, I toyed with the idea of taking more, and the only reason I could come up with to argue against it was that Sam would need to nurse soon.

But then the phone rang, and Amy listened to me and talked me out of it, and she made me smile. I'm feeling much better now. I love my friend.

But I need to do something about those moods. Amy says, correctly, that I need more time for myself. I wish Eric was more capable of taking Sam for extended periods. Maybe tomorrow I'll head out by myself for a few hours and see how they do...

Replies: 7 sandcastles

I have to agree with all of the suggestions. Please take this as an opportunity to care of yourself -- for your own sake and for everyone who cares about you. Keeping you and yours in my thoughts and prayers as always.

Posted by Dreama @ 03/10/2002 12:21 PM EST

I had to look around to make sure this wasn't MY blog. No, it's Carrie's. Some days I feel like beating my head against the sidewalk, I'm so frustrated with my life. And sometimes Ed will say something like, "but isn't this what you want? To stay home with Rebecca?" Well, of course, but it doesn't mean I need to be TRAPPED IN THE HOUSE ALONE WITH HER for the next 20 years. Grrrr. I cannot remember when the last time he cared for her for longer than the duration of my shower without me around. *sigh*

And sometimes getting time to myself is more trouble than it seems worth. Or an hour or two just isn't enough because it happens so rarely. Like an hour can make up for two months. I need an hour every DAY.

Oh. This is not my blog. Must go vent there :)

Aren't I helpful?

Posted by Aimee @ 03/10/2002 11:35 AM EST

AWE!!!! :( I totally know how you feel! (Well, not the baby part since I don't have a baby yet) but the feelings -- I agree with the others about getting more time to yourself...

But also, cheezy as it may sound, maybe you could se a therapist? I know it's scary and hard to do, but I was really glad that I went and I was embarassed about it and scared, but then once I started going I realized it's not embarassing or as scary as I thought and it really does help. He/She can give you methods to cope with these feelings.... and also to help you prevent the feelings all together!!

Whatever you decide to do though, take care of yourself!!! Your baby loves you and needs you and so does your hubby! :)

--zannie :)

Posted by zannie @ 03/10/2002 10:13 AM EST

I hope that you are feeling better and that your time out on your own will help. But please also consider talking to your doctor. Remember how much you wanted Eric to see someone when he was so depressed and then remind yourself that your own well-being is equally important and that it's better to see your doctor than to risk doing something to hurt yourself.

Good luck and I hope everything works out!

Posted by sherry @ 03/10/2002 01:12 AM EST

I think that it might be time to pump a bit into some bottles and have Eric feed Sam at night when he gets home. I realize that he works all day but SO DO YOU and don't forget it. You need time off too! Eric gets a lunch break, all to himself. When do you get a 30 minute/60 minute break, Carrie? Demand some time for you. Go to a movie alone, go to a park and read a book. You must get out alone or you will go crazy. *hugs*

Posted by Nicole @ 03/09/2002 11:11 PM EST

Awwww Carrie, I am so sorry. :-( I had no idea you were feeling so depressed today. Please please PLEASE tell me that I am not that dense and you weren't feeling this way when I called.
I hear ya about uninterrupted time, BUT alas, sometimes it just isn't THAT easy.
Wish I had come with Matt this weekend so we could hang out, THAT would help! ;-)
It is sooo dreary and windy here today, I imagine it is dreary there too, that doesn't help. OK look at me rambling.
Gotta run, Collin is calling.

Posted by Bekki @ 03/09/2002 04:02 PM EST

Why isn't Eric more capable about taking Sam for extended periods? I'm a little unclear as to that. Is it his work schedule?
Carrie, your friend Amy is right. Think about it. You are practically on call, 24 hours a day, including breast-feeding time.
I know you love Sam more than anything, but you need time to yourself to rest and rejuvenate. Then you'll be a better mom to Sam and a better wife to Eric.
Don't ask Eric to watch Sam, simply tell him you're going to get a cup of coffee, wander around a bookstore, or go to a movie, and you'll be back at such-and-such a time. Then hand Eric the baby and leave.
Sounds harsh, but Eric's a capable father and doesn't seem to me that the two of them get any uninterrupted time together.
These are only suggestions, but I hope they help! Good luck

Posted by ashley @ 03/09/2002 03:47 PM EST