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03/10/2002 Entry: "Help"

If it's not him, then it's me.

There's something very wrong in my head, and I really, really hate being me right now.

I'm calling a doctor tomorrow morning.

This has to stop.

Thank you for all the comments below; I need to feel supported. I've cried to much today already, and I can feel more coming on. Eric says we can go out somewhere to take my mind off everything, or I can go by myself. I just want to stop thinking.

Replies: 13 sandcastles

Hey Bekki - regarding your quote of " Eric is a horrible father who wants nothing to do with his child and won't take care of him" and your disbelief that anyone would think that, I found this in about thirty seconds, from late June 2001:

"I've gotten maybe two hours of nonconsecutive sleep all night. Your son has just filled his shorts. Please take him and change him."
"No, you do it."

Posted by Mary @ 03/11/2002 01:30 PM EST

I have been avoiding saying anything else but for the love of all things good, people, lighten up! "if it's not him, it's me" Am I the only person in the world who reads this as "he is just starting to work on his depression, and now I am the one being depressed"?? GEEZ. No where did she say," if all of our problems aren't his fault they must be mine" She isn't even TALKING about whose fault anything is. She is saying it feels like it seems that one of them is depressed all the time. OK maybe not all the time, but what I am trying to say is that he is feeling better and now she isn't. She never said " Eric is a horrible father who wants nothing to do with his child and won't take care of him" GOOD LORD!! Where did all that come from?
I know everyone reads this and must feel like that is how she feels. Don't you all have blogs? And don't you post there to VENT? We ALL have vents, that doesn't make the person we vent about a horrible person. And it doesn't mean that the person we vent about is like that 24 hours a day.
Eric would never say "gee Carrie, I want you to be miserable, you stay with the baby 24 hours a day" and is it SO horrible that a man wouldn't "do diapers" when they involved pinning? Did our fathers do diapers? HELL NO!! And does Eric "do diapers" now? Yes. WHY? SNAPS!!! DUH!!!
Eric would gladly take care of the baby if Carrie wanted him to. Maybe she doesn't WANT to leave Sam. Maybe she LIKE being around him. I know, hard to believe. *rolling eyes* I don't like leaving my kids. Even if it IS with their dad. We get used to having these little people attached to us, and by golly, it is lonely to go out alone. Perhaps I have real issues too. Who knows.
What I know is that you all seem to have all the answers to Carrie's "awful life" when the reality is you all take her words all out of context and assume the worst.
Carrie is wonderful, Eric is wonderful, Sam is wonderful. End of story.
Oops. Sorry Carrie didn't mean to go off in you blog.

Posted by Bekki @ 03/11/2002 12:25 PM EST

I was avoiding saying this, but in response to Amelia: It takes two to tango. If Eric wasn't ready to be a father, he shouldn't have made a baby. His chance to be petulant ended the minute he chose to have unprotected sex with his wife. And, to be completely fair (and I am not a huge Eric fan, ever since he decided he "doesn't do" diapers), Eric seems to be doing his best to be supportive at this point. Eric and Carrie both have frustrations that need to be addressed, and there are certainly changes they could both make in order to be happier. Why beat them up?

Posted by Danielle @ 03/11/2002 12:02 PM EST

What "parenthood bargain"? Carrie wanted a baby and she got it. Notice that the website splash page and the button for this page feature her and Sam, with Eric nowhere to be found. Yes, it would be nice for Eric to take an interest in Sam, if not for the baby's own sake then to give Carrie help when she needs it. But it's not like he wasn't upfront about not wanting to be a father at this stage of his life.

That doesn't mean that Carrie is wrong to be depressed, or that she deserves it; many if not most women have problems with depression, and Lord knows if I had to deal with a demanding baby 24/7 I'd be climbing the walls too. I second the recommendations to talk to a psychiatrist or other MD about it. But don't blame Eric for failing to suddenly become an excited, involved father the minute Sam was born.

Posted by Amelia @ 03/11/2002 11:34 AM EST

You know, it could be both him and you. He has obviously had some ongoing problems (the hypochondria, the undefined feelings of resentment toward fatherhood), and it worries me that he "no longer needs" medication. Did you hear this from him or his doctor? Not to be suspicious, but it's pretty common for depressed people to start taking medication, feel better, then decide they don't need it anymore. And in your case, you made an abrupt transition into full-time motherhood, which became 24-hours full-time largely because of Eric's ambivalent feelings. To use an example from my own life: my husband accepted a job transfer a couple of years ago that had us living in a place we were both really miserable in. Instead of talking about it and sharing our unhappy feelings, I resented him for taking me to a place I didn't want to be, and I refused to acknowledge his unhappiness because he "wanted" to be there. You wanted to be a mother, but that doesn't mean you can't be unhappy, or bored, or feel overworked and isolated. And I feel like Eric doesn't want to hear about it because you "wanted" the situation. For what it's worth, I think it would probably be a good idea for you to see a mental health professional, for all the reasons everyone else has discussed and for all the reasons that have been pouring out of your journal recently. I think it would be an even better idea for you to leave Eric completely alone with his son, preferably for a couple of hours a day. I get the feeling that Eric's disinterest/discomfort prevented him from learning to parent with you when Sam was a new baby, and now you have a routine established and, on some level, feel that Eric is not capable to care for his own child without supervision. What really clued me in was when you were trying to write and couldn't stand to hear Sam crying for you while Eric was watching him. Of course Sam is going to cry for you, because he is used to being in your care and only your care, and of course Eric isn't going to know how to comfort him because Eric has never learned before. You leaping up to take over is not going to teach Sam to accept care from Eric, nor is it going to give Eric the opportunity to learn to care for his son. In my opinion, the best thing for Sam and Eric would be for you to leave for a while each day, secure in the knowledge that Eric is a capable adult who would never let Sam come to any harm, and that the more time Sam spends alone with Eric, the more comfortable they will be together, the more capable and confident Eric will feel as a father, and the better relationship everyone in your family will have. Go and have some time for yourself, and LET Sam cry, and LET Eric have to figure out how to comfort him, just like you had to and Eric missed out on when Sam was born. I hope you feel supported and that you are able to find new ways for your family to operate that leave all of you happier.

Posted by Danielle @ 03/11/2002 08:19 AM EST

AMEN, KATE!

Posted by ashley @ 03/11/2002 03:11 AM EST

You wrote: "If it's not him, then it's me." - my god I hope your kidding. I have been reading you forever (over a year) and I can surely see what is going on. It's not you - it's HIM. He is irresponsible and not living up to his end of the parenthood bargin. And you are suffering for it. Big time. Tell him to shape up or ship out Carrie because you don't need the stress you are under. You spend all day at at Sams beck and call and your husband can't find two seconds when he gets home from his "hard" day to give you a break? And what is with the fact that he can't spend more than an hour alone with his own son? Can he not change a diaper and handle a situation if it arises? I would certainly hate to see what he would be like alone and without you! Please stop beating yourself up over every imprefection and trait, blaming it on yourself and leaving Eric to look like the saint. It's killing me to read about it. You are human, a good mother and you deserve a life and time to yourself. Stand up and take some much needed action or else he will continue to belittle you with every little thing and you will be miserable for a long time - and you don't deserve it!

Posted by Kate @ 03/10/2002 09:52 PM EST

You are supported, Carrie. There are many people whose lives you've touched, online and off, who are all behind you and wanting nothing but the best for you. If you know of a way that the people who care for you can help you, don't hesitate to ask -- it's important!

Posted by Dreama @ 03/10/2002 09:27 PM EST

I'm married to Bryan that used to be clinically 'depressed' and took many prescribed medications (Welbutrin was one of the best) BUT under no circumstances would I suggest taking them without a dr's okay..the doseages are for people's body and level of depression. The one thing my husband always stressed when he went to a psychiatrist (which I would recommend more than a therapist because therapists can't prescribe medications) is that he needed to talk about his problems. So we started having time to talk about his problems and many nights of long talks... his long hrs on his job weren't helping and we didn't ahve a lot of time together. I suggest you and Eric both get a babysitter or something for Sam and spend some quality time together talking... it really does help ... (just in my opinion :)

Posted by Brooke @ 03/10/2002 08:33 PM EST

Perhaps if you're not comfortable going out and leaving Sam, or if you want to be able to be around for him just incase something happens; you could have Eric or a friend watch him for a few hours in your home - in the lounge, say; while you have the run of the rest of the house to do as you please. That way you've got the ability to have some Carrie time but also the comfort zone of knowing that if Sam needs you, you are still within reach.
And even trying all of the suggestions that people have given you (or just the ones you like ;), you should talk to your doctor - s/he will be able to assess whether it's just frustration or real depression, and if you need it, prescribe something to help you. There are medications these days that are safe to use while breastfeedings, if you are worried about that. But really - do talk to someone, I put off doing it for a long time and didn't realise just how bad it was getting until I started getting better and my mind cleared.
::hugs:: I hope you can feel better soon.

Posted by Jade @ 03/10/2002 04:43 PM EST

OK everyone is beating Eric up here, but I am with Emily. I never get free time, and it isn't Matt's fault. It is because I have a VERY hard time leaving my kids, with ANYONE. I know you feel the same way. I wish I were there! Can you call up a friend and get out?? Even if you take Sam, maybe you just need to do something fun. :) Go ride the carousel. That is what I would do. :)
OK this isn't helping. I just want you to know that you aren't alone. And I know it isn't Eric's fault. It is just hard to leave your baby.
Everyone else, leave Eric alone! :-P

Posted by Bekki @ 03/10/2002 12:33 PM EST

(((Carrie))) I do know how you feel, and I'm sorry it's so rough right now. I know this isn't all about Eric: it's very hard to walk away from your baby when you're an AP mom, especially if the baby is high needs. Other people don't always get that; it's not as simple as pumping and walking out the door, because leaving when you know the baby is not happy doesn't bring you any relaxation time. I used to wish I could put the kids on "pause" and have some time for myself when I knew for a fact they were entirely fine; nothing less was going to work for me at that age. Has Eric tried taking Sam out in the car at all? Maybe if they drive around town for awhile, it would give you enough time to take a bath, write without interruption...something. I know he's tired when he gets home from work, but there should be some balance there. You also have a long work day, and it started the day Sam was born. I say all this knowing that I should practice what I preach; I don't think I asserted my need for Jason to watch the kids so I could have free time until Noah was nearly two, and Jason was highly resistant and very uncooperative. I hope things even out for you, and please know that I'm thinking of you!

Posted by Emily @ 03/10/2002 11:56 AM EST

You know you are still in the range where it could just be post partum depression and that isn't just a little crying it is an overall depression. I know it may sound mean of me to say this but Eric needs to grow up a bit. Just because you had the baby doesn't mean that you have to be the only one to take care of him. Don't feel guilty because he is the one that works. You work ten times harder without pay. You might want to set up a time where it is your free time. An hour or two really makes a world of difference. No baby monitors even getting out of the house. Pump the milk give them kisses and go enjoy your time.

Posted by Rebecca @ 03/10/2002 11:48 AM EST